Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Fri Apr 22, 2005 at 12:50:57 pm EDT
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A Mr. Epitome/CrazySugarFreakBoy! Team-Up, Part One
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Title Withheld Because It Gives Away A Major Plot Point




Glory, the Dog Dynamo, scratched at her partner’s bedroom door.

“I am leaving for class,” she told Mr. Epitome.

“Ah,” Dominic was in the process of knotting his tie, “Well, if you are willing to wait a few moments, and don’t mind driving instead of running to Lair Mansion, I could join you.”

The Border collie cocked her head, “Do you have business in Paradopolis?” It seemed unlikely, since if the Man of Might was traveling to the city in some official capacity he would take the Epitome Express airship.

“I’m meeting Hallie for an outing.”

“You are going on a date?!” Glory’s ears pricked up.

“No, no. It’s not a date. We’re just going to spend some time together. Talk about some recent events in a social setting,” Epitome locked eyes with Glory for a moment before abruptly turning away to gather his keys.

“I understand,” the Pooch of Power wagged her tail happily.

Dominic returned in time to witness Glory’s exuberance, “It’s not a date. We’re just going to hang out.”

“Hang out during an outing,” Glory reiterated.

“Yes,” Dominic couldn’t tell, since Glory’s unique language of growls and body movements did not allow for subtle inflection, but he was fairly positive she was being sassy with him.

“Do you think you should wear a necktie? That seems very formal,” the Canine Champion offered.

Dominic gave his partner a stern look, “Go get your homework, Glory, and meet me by the car.”

He made one last look in the mirror, found and pocketed a second, sportier tie, and left for the Epitome Division’s garage.

*****


“I don’t like it,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! announced between bites of his Friday Sundae, a weekly ritual he and his paramour, April Alice Apple, had enjoyed together since she had started staying with him in Lair Mansion.

“Too many gummi worms?” April asked from her side of the bed.

“No, the gummi worm to Sour Patch Kid ratio is perfect. I’m talking about Epitome coming back to the mansion to visit. I mean, he quit, right? He should be gone, out of our lives. Sayonara. Goodbye, thanks for all the fish. So why’s he still sniffing around?”

“Maybe he regrets quitting?”

Dream shook his head, “Nope. Epitome doesn’t do regret. He’s up to something.”

“Well, you know,” April grinned, “He seems to be carrying a torch for Hallie.”

“Humph. He probably just wants to corrupt her with some kind of virus, turn her into a soulless drone of the State like himself, and then use her as a weapon against us,” CSFB! pondered a bit, and then realized, “Just like the Shadow Cabinet did with EDWIN!”

“So it’s a conspiracy?” April dabbed her boyfriend’s face to wipe away a spot of butterscotch.

“It’s bad news, is what it is,” he pulled the covers aside, “and I’m not about to take it lying down.”

*****


Dominic Clancy sat at the Lair Mansion’s kitchen table and considered the flyer.

“This Consumer Electronics Expo, it’s an opportunity to preview the latest in technological hardware and software?”

Hallie nodded, “Yes,” her face grew concerned, “You don’t want to go, do you?”

“I’m just curious as to why you’d want to go. The instrumentation you work with here at the mansion must surpass anything available to the general public.”

“The C2E is a great show, a fun look at the techno-geek subculture. Probably not something you’d be interested in-”

“Is any of your work going to be displayed?” the Exemplary Man knew Hallie was patent holder to several successful computer programs.

“Uh,” the AI flushed slightly, “I may have some stuff on sale there.”

Epitome gave the woman a slightly snarky smile, “I see. Well then, we have to attend. The motorheads will be expecting you.”

“I think you mean propellerheads, smart guy.”

“Oh,” now it was Epitome’s turn to look slightly embarrassed at having been corrected.

“All right, we’ll go, provided you pick something to do afterwards that would be as boring for me as the Expo will be for you.”

“The batting cages, then?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Hallie grinned as she stood, “I’ve got some maintenance checks to run on the server, but then we can head out.”

Epitome nodded, “I’ll wait for you here.”

The hologram departed in a blizzard of green pixels, leaving the Paragon of Power alone with his coffee.

Briefly.

“Clancy,” Dreamcatcher Foxglove bounded in. The young man grabbed a chair and turned it round so he could straddle it. His face was uncharacteristically grim, “What’re you doing here?”

“Good morning, Mr. Foxglove. I’m surprised to see you. It’s not even nine o’ clock,” the Paragon of Power rose from the table and washed out his mug in the kitchen’s sink.

“Hee hee. No, seriously, why are you here?”

“I am leaving shortly. No need to concern yourself.”

CSFB! looked to the Expo brochure that rested on the table. He tapped it with his forefinger, “You going to that?”

“Yes.”

“With Hallie?”

“Yes,” Mr. Epitome folded his arms across his chest and stared at the Legionnaire in a manner that implied it would not be wise to pursue the topic. Dream smiled and stood.

“Well that’s a surprise. I wouldn’t think you’d be into that stuff, being the censorious puritan type.”

Dominic let the dig slide, “While I feel video games promote sloth and anti-social tendencies, the ratings system in place seems adequate for informing consumers of content that may not be appropriate.”

“I meant the porn.”

“I beg your pardon?”

CSFB! chuckled, “These trade shows double as conventions for the adult entertainment industry. It’s very synergistic. I mean, the clientele is mostly the same,” he leafed through the C2E brochure, “Yeah, you must have got the ad they print for the ‘soccer mom’ crowd. No mention of the flesh peddlers and preverts you’re going to be rubbing elbows with.”

“Oh? Do you plan on attending?” Dominic inquired mildly.

“Maybe I am. No, wait: I definitely am. With April,” Dream gave Epitome an unctuous smile, “We should all go together. Make it a double date.”

“It’s not-” Dominic began his clarification, but caught himself, “Fine. If Hallie doesn’t object, I have no problem with you and Miss Apple accompanying us.”

“Why would she object? She’ll get the opportunity for actually having some fun with us along.”

Epitome gave the impish little man a slight nod of consent. Epitome didn’t like being baited, and had no time for ridiculous conceits that he knew would lead to needless drama. Still, this was an instance where he had something to prove.

*****


From a discussion on what was on the mind of one cybernetic consciousness to a discussion in the mind of another:

“MODEM. Thank you for taking my call.”

BALD’s leader, the Mechanical Organism Designed for Exterminating Meddlers, nodded its colossal cranium despite itself. After all, the conversant could not see the gesture, being thousands of miles away and speaking to him telepathically, “My minions informed me you have information that would interest us, Dr. Vassilych.”

From his stateroom aboard an Alaskan cruise ship Factor X smiled and chewed on his bagel, “We have discovered the location of your fugitive.”

“You know where to find Carlin?”

“Not quite. But I do know where he will be,” the distinguished looking Russian offered his chief of staff a tin of lox. Nadya accepted it and used her telekinesis to slather it on her own breakfast.

“Where?” MODEM wasn’t in the mood to discuss fees.

“In Paradopolis. He’s going to be demonstrating his machine under the cover of some electronics fair.”

“His machine?! Carlin stole the Project: Sandal prototype from BALD!”

“And managed to work the bugs out, apparently. He plans on auctioning the device off to the highest bidder.”

MODEM grew suspicious, “That’s why you’re turning him in; because he didn’t come to you to broker a sale?”

Factor X smiled, “Ours is a business that suffers from the actions of amateurs. I’m doing this to protect all of us.”

The cybernetic master to an enclave of mad scientists accessed the Net. It took him moments to learn the name of the trade show Factor X had referenced, “Consumer Electronics Expo?!”

“Correct, old friend. Now, perhaps we can negotiate terms on the recapture of Professor Carlin and the device. I have a free-lancer already on site and under contract. His fees are quite reasonable.”

MODEM was sure the Russian did. The man was famously efficient. In fact, no less a figure than Akiko Masamune herself said the only reason “you (meaning the other heads of the Cabal) manage to function in the Parodyverse is because Dr. Vassilych is there to prop you up.” He and his fellow criminal masterminds considered the insult patently unfair, and once the oyabun had left that meeting vowed blood vengeance against the arrogant shrew. But that would come later. At some point. MODEM was more concerned about the here and now.

“Tell me your terms, Factor X,” the giant floating head commanded.

And somewhere in the Bering Straits Dr. Gregor Vassilych and his second smiled.


To be continued.

Can’t tell the bad guys without footnotes:

B.A.L.D.: formerly the power-base of the late Erskine Blofish (q.v.) is now becoming the illegal super-weapons supplier for the entire Parodyverse criminal underworld. It is rumoured that they have some strange Machine Organism Designed for Exterminating Meddlers (M.O.D.E.M.) in charge now.

Factor X, (Dr. Gregor Vassilych) the greatest foe Mr. Epitome never faced, former Soviet spymaster used his KGB connections to build himself a profitable practice as a middle-man between different criminal groups. If someone needs an army of cyborg mutants, Factor X would be the man to go to. If a cyborg mutant is looking for work, Factor X would be the man to call. Vassilych is suave, brilliant, and ruthless, so of course he looks like Vincent Price. X’s key advisor is a powerful telepath known as The Mind’s Eye (Nadezhda "Nadya" Prokofiev).

Akiko Masamune is Head of the Parodyverse's organised crime cartel, and of the Yakuza mob specifically, Masamune is somewhere between an ally and an adversary of the Lair Legion. Like much of the population of Mangatown, she has large eyes and a small nose. Unlike most anyone, she has a tendency to dress entirely in pink, just because she's powerful enough to do so.

The Cabal: A seemingly loose-knit group of the greatest criminal masterminds of the Parodyverse who have shown up from time to time in Untold Tales. Known members include MODEM, Masamune, Count Wolfgang Fokker of HERPES, the Lynchpin of Crime, and criminal financier Jethro Screwdriver.





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